My comprehension toward the beard hater goes only as far as my comprehension toward those who hate fuzzy kittens or the taste of Mexican Vanilla ice cream (this means I cannot comprehend the hatred toward the beard or fuzzy kittens or Mexican Vanilla ice cream). My man’s beard is my pet, my comfort, and my favorite scent.
Beard Envy [beerd en-vee]
nounWhen a person shows envy toward an extremely impressive beard.
Who Wears a Beard
I understand a beard can be worn in many different ways: dreaded, braided, minus a ‘stache, short, long, curled… I know not every person with a beard tames his beast the same. Others only provide minimal grooming while some have tools to style to beard perfection.
The image of a beard seems to reflect the occupation of a true man. Lumberjacks, firefighters, and prestigious men of history all claim owners of the beard. However, beards also recognize one as a drifter, traveler, and a man in no time for a shave.
How to Pet a Beard
Some ladies do not know how to handle a beard. This makes me laugh. I cringe when I see a foolish broad aim her disgusting fingers to tickle under the chin. The beard man will not tell you that your touch made him want to bite your fingers off. A beard man is too nice for that. A true beard aficionado knows to pet downward with the back of the fingers from the sideburns to the chin. A bearded man will much appreciate this action. A beard man never forgets a negative interaction with his beard. You are warned.
Washing a Beard
A beard should be washed. Preference and hair texture determine if the usage of shampoo and conditioner is required. If you do not have a beard, washing a beard is very fun. You should try it. A beard man will only allow a naked woman to wash his beard. I don’t make up the rules, I just follow them.
Warning: A semi-wet beard might be the most disgusting thing you have ever felt. Refrain from touching, especially if the reason for the wetness is unknown.
Styling a Beard
The style of the beard can vary. Do not ever question the amount of time a man takes to tame (he doesn’t like the word ‘style’) his beard. He will use your brush and your comb and your hairspray and your blow dryer. Pretend you didn’t just read that last part about the blow dryer.
The Point of a Beard
I hate to hear when others ask my beard man, why? Why a beard? His beard has traveled from Georgia to Maine carrying everything from New Hampshire’s frost to honey bun crumbs. His beard was there when we hiked in a foot of Colorado’s fresh powder. His beard was there when we snorkeled in Hawaii’s clearest beaches. A beard is a traveler’s best friend. I think his beard has seen more of this world than possibly you have.
The beard might seem pointless. Ha ha you foolish fool! That’s what the beard wants you to think.
The beard is a towel, a carrier, a wind guard, a sun guard, a fluffy pillow, a place to hide, a slap protector, a paint brush, and, of course, a statement.
In Any Direction 